*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
You Might Also Like
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?