[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
You Might Also Like
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Put the is in disheveled
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
me hooking up with my ex
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
A drum solo but on your face.
What my back needs
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!