[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
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The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning