*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
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Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around