*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
You Might Also Like
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO