*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
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The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
My wife gives the best headache.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
this FaceApp is creepy af
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”