[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
You Might Also Like
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.