911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
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A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?