[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
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Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.