[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
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Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.