Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
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The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.