[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
You Might Also Like
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.