*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
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WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.