*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
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doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Not today
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.