[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
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my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
😂😂😂
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.