[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
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*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
put ‘er there pardner!
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]