[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
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What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems