(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
You Might Also Like
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine