*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
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To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?