WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
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The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?