[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
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What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.