[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
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[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.