[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
You Might Also Like
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?