*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
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Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.