[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
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When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.