…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
You Might Also Like
Brother?
Dear Lord..
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores