…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
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A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭