Seismologists are loyal to a fault
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I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans