Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
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Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
How dramatic are you?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
can’t catch a break
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.