[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.