@sfreeze6: Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
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@david8hughes: [at the drs] Dr: are you sexually active? Me: yeah Dr: with real people Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
@ElKnuckelhombre: Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy. Me: Did it work?
@jaimekessel: Instead of a flower girl, I want a parmesan boy to sprinkle cheese down the aisle at my wedding