If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
You Might Also Like
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Are these grass-fed oranges?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it