Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
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me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER