Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
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MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31