Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
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If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
wut hotdog?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.