[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.