@keeiks: Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
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@Sal0630: *looks under bed* *checks closet* *shuts light, runs to bed* *pulls covers over head* *ice maker dumps ice* *dies from cardiac arrest*
@TheMichaelRock: The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you're having a velociraptor.
@DadandBuried: I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
@thatUPSdude: I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".