Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
i meant to share this earlier
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
i want to work in this restaurant
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.