@keeiks: Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
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@SeinfeldToday: George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both."
@naughtywriter2: At my funeral - The pastor: "She was truly an angel that fell from heaven" My ex, whispering to my other ex: "So was Lucifer!"
@sadmonsters: Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
@flashember: [Romeo and Juliet as turtles] ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath JULIET: I'm just stuck on my back R: we're turtles, Juliet