Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
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cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!