@thongbeard: Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
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@BromanConsul: 1964:"Remember kids," a youth basketball coach says, "there's no "i" in team." "Not yet," whispers 5th grade Steve Jobs, "... not yet."
@Discourt: INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. I REPEAT. INSTAGRAM IS DOWN. HOLD THE DUCKFACES. HOLD THE MEALS. HOLD EVERYTHING.
@Jandalize: There's no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you're blowing up a rubber glove.
@CornerPubRon: After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.