@thongbeard: Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
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@suzieQ0007: Most people who think I'm a nice person have no idea that I'd trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
@iwearaonesie: wife: What's wrong? me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn't give me any brown crayons] Nothing
@samalmightysam: My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don't understand anything else.
@WeissBrandon: When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist.