@thongbeard: Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
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@PetrickSara: "You saw nothing." -me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
@FunkyFresh_79: Cinco De Mayo Cinco De Ketchup Cinco De Mustard Cinco De Siracha Cinco De Ranch Dressing
@TouchOfAlchemy: Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list The more you know
@SortaBad: "Brian did you remove some of the thread from your shirt logo?" Me: [clearly enjoying people calling me the Hug Boss] what? No probably not