Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
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My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Anyone want a chair?
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.