One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
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Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.