as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
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I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
are they though??
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Room with a view.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
*puts words between two asterisks*
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
i really liked this one
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.