Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
bury ourselves
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Lol
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..