SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
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As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”