Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
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Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”