Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
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is this meant to deter me
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold