Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
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Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
how to have fun when you’re poor
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.