Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
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The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Confused owl: What?!
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
We all have our pet causes.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*