@twylaredsun: Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it's not doing its job.
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@joejwest: COP: Give back the money you stole ME: Already spent it COP: On what? ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
@huntigula: Me: If Obi-Wan's clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn't ghost Obi-Wan naked? My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
@krispythehuman: How to use eyeliner: 1. Draw a thin line on your top & bottom eyelids 2. Oops too thick, try to even them out 3. Colour your whole face in
@sweet_pea707: Me: Did you hear what I just said? Him: Yes Me: What did I say? Him: Did you hear what I just said