@twylaredsun: Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it's not doing its job.
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@matt___nelson: Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: "Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner" *centipede walks in* "You've got to be kiddin me"
@david8hughes: [sees kid crying at the mall] R u lost? [kid nods, wiping tears] Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
@donni: Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I'm eating right now