It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
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“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.