don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
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Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.