The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
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I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Shoo shoo! 😂
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”